Amusing signs

 

My kind of deal. LOL!!!

 

 Cops have nothing to go on!

 

 Can you imagine buying a 12 pack along with your wedding dress?

Oh and I might as well get some ammo.

 

Attention

Laughs are on me today, enjoy!!!

Some more I received from my friend who is letting me know I am getting on in years.
WELL truth be told he
IS RIGHT afterall ,
so here goes some more good ones!

Touchee'

A little morbid but.....

Wow this one speaks volumes eh?

Now THAT"S the truth!!!

And this below is perhaps my favorite, kind of the liquid of life!!!

well, sad but true LOL!!!

And to "My Buddy" that sent me all of these

I thank you and here is a thought from me to you!!!

It's my party and I will cry if I want too.

Thought I would do a little making fun of MYSELF today, yes its THAT day when the calendar claims you are a year older. Since I am getting up there in years I thought I would share some comics and pictures from friends that make me remember how OLD I really am getting. LOL!!!

And that is me. I don't want to grow up!!!

AND Thanks to Odie!!!

Everybody has one

A little making fun of myself today. It's that day of the year again, so I thought a couple of these would be appropriate!
 

 

SERENITY

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.


Always Remember This: 
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing

Smile big for the camera!

Goat Braces

Exposing yourself

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling

back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help

you sir?" 

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies. 

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. 

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging

out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without 

missing a beat, blurts out..........

"Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

Buy A Dog

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him,

 and never say its not quite as good as his mothers

. . . then buy a dog.

 

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ...

. . . then buy a dog.

 

If you want someone who will never touch the remote,

doesn't care about football,

and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

. . . then buy a dog.

 

If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

. . . then buy a dog!

 

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do,

doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old,

who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to,

and loves you unconditionally, perpetually . . .

 . . . then buy a dog.

 

BUT, on the other hand . . .

If you want someone who will never come
when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only
comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence
is solely to ensure his happiness . . .

 

 

. . . then buy a cat!

Grocery List

Funny Videos

Fat Ass

Whoever coined the phrase, "Honesty is the best policy," was obviously never married to an insecure woman with a fat ass!

Cheese graters in daily life

 

 

Greeting Earthlings

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his
ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."

Diet Coke with bacon

Nude Santa!!!

You want to see a picture of Santa nude?
  


Whoo hoo!! 

Scroll down..........
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For Crying out loud.........Act your age........ There is no Santa!!
Sometimes I just can't believe you

Why, Why, Why

Why, Why, Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Love lights the whole sky

Kind of felt this was appropriate for Christmas Day

Now that boys holding his own

Kenney the Rooster

Kenny the rooster cost a lot of money, but the farmer
decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the
barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk.

"I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of
chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take
your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with
a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward
the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!-
Kenny nails every hen in the hen house- three or four
times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck
pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese,
down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the
geese.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail
and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried
that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the
next day,to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the
middle of the yard, vultures are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful
and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh,
Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you
to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling
in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".

I know how old you are

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home,
when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

Christmas Eve

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,

"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins.....

WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???

WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???


Try it without looking at the answers......Please don't look down until you do it, you'll love it I promise !

GET A CALCULATOR (YOUR COMPUTER HAS ONE ON IT)

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the
calculator....)

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....

5) Add the digits together

Now Scroll down ..............









Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein


2. Nelson Mandela


3. Abraham Lincoln


4. Helen Keller


5. Bill Gates


6. Gandhi


7. George Clooney


8. Thomas Edison


9. Allison The author of this blog!

10. Abraham Lincoln


I know....I just have that effect on people....one day you too can be like me.... :-) Believe it!


Stop picking different numbers. I am your idol, just deal with it!!!!
Merry Christmas,

Bear Attack!!!

Bear Attack in Churchill, Manitoba , Canada.

These are pictures of an actual polar bear attack in Churchill.

These pictures were taken while people watched and could do nothing to stop the attack!

Reports from the local newspaper say that the victim will make a full recovery.



The photo's are below.

Homeland Security

The Devil made me do it

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair
he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum  chum?
Guy:  What do you think?  I'm in hell.
Demon:  Hell's not so bad.  We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a
drinkin' man?
Guy:  Sure,  I love to drink.  Love the drinks.
Demon:  Well you're gonna love Mondays then.  On  Mondays that's all we do
is drink.  Whiskey,  tequila,  Guinness,  wine coolers,  diet tab, and
fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy:  Gee that sounds great.

Demon:  You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!  Love the smoking.
Demon:  Alright!  You're gonna love Tuesdays.  We get the finest cigars from
all over the world and smoke our lungs out.  If you get cancer - no biggie -
you're already dead remember?
Guy:  Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon:  I bet you like to gamble.
Guy:  Why  yes  as a matter of fact  I do.  Love the gambling.
Demon:  Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want.  Craps, Blackjack,
Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever...  If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead
anyhow.

Demon:   You into drugs?
Guy:  Are you kidding?  Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon:  That's right!  Thursday is drug day.  Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack. or smack.  Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who
cares!  O.D.!!
Guy:  Yowza!  I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!

Demon: You gay?
Guy:  Uh  no.

Demon:  Ooooh  (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and
two said he was still there.

Adult Humor

A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of his
dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,
worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to
find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad as a big tummy and sometimes
I have to get on top and help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up."

WILL I LIVE TO BE 80

Some times you just have to ask yourself 'Will I live to be 80?'

I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly
well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do
you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink
alcoholic beverages?'
'No,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.' Then he asked, 'Do you eat
rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!' 'Do
you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing
or relaxing on the beach?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you
gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said. 'I don't
do any of those things.'

Then he looked at me and asked, 'Then why do you give a shit?'

A Fart, A story

MMM


A fart it is a pleasant thing,

It gives the belly ease,

It warms the bed in winter,

And suffocates the fleas.




A fart can be quiet,

A fart can be loud,

Some leave a powerful,

Poisonous cloud



A fart can be short,

Or a fart can be long,

Some farts have been known

To sound like a song......



A fart can create

A most curious medley,

A fart can be harmless,

Or silent , and deadly.



A fart might not smell,

While others are vile,

A fart may pass quickly,

Or linger a while......



A fart can occur

In a number of places,

And leave everyone there,

With strange looks on their faces.


From wide-open prairie,

To small elevators,

A fart will find all of

Us sooner or later.



But farts are all bad,

Is simply not true-

We must never forget.......

Sweet old farts like you!