DON'T HIRE POOKIE

I know that everyone  needs a job, but there are some places where
yo' cuzins'  should not be allowed to work.

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care Unit where patients  always
died in the same bed on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m.  regardless of their
medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some  even thought that had
something to do with the  supernatural.


No one could  solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11a.m.
on  Sundays. So a world wide team of experts were assembled to investigate  the
cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday  morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m. all the doctors and
nurses  nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible
phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer  books,
and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just  when the clock struck 11.....Pookie Johnson, the part time Sunday
sweeper entered the ward and unplugged the life support system, so that  he
could plug in the vacuum cleaner...

AND THAT'S ALL I'M GONNA  SAY....

How Tequila really works

A Fart

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.


As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

Hot for you

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together'

'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
 
'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

Who's the boss?

Winter Sucks

Grass is taller on the rich side

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.     "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning
To the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high"!!!!!

Bubba died

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly .

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up .
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say :

'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'

The Dot, Revealed

The Mystery of the Dot

Funny, short and oh so true!

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS EXPLAINED THE MYSTERY!!!

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us
have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the
Indian Embassy in Washington , DC has recently revealed the true story. When
a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her
wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a
convenience store, a gas station, a liquor store or a motel in the United
States .

If there is nothing under the dot, he must take a job in India answering
telephones and giving unintelligible technical advice to frustrated
Americans.

A sign from God

Cardboard Men

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it 
over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and 
opens the trunk.

She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the 
rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men 
are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to 
approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.
It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly 
enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?' 
'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly
'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by 
the road?' he asks. 
'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!

Red Hat Club

Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention  is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

 

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt,grabbed the eighty bucks,and left!!!

I hate my job

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'

=0 A
Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section   and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins .

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully . You will notice that in small print there  is a statement:



' Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized . '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, '  I am so glad I do not work  in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson .'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOME ONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

.........Remember,
if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart;
Maybe you should go and work for Johnson & Johnson!!!!!

 

Wedding Cake

 A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.  'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'  After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

Complained to the electric company

I complained about my recent electric bill and here's the response :

Dear Customer,
Just a little note to let you know we understand your anger in the recent price hike.
But it should be noted that you have no choice.
We are a big company and you will pay what we tell you.
You have no choice We have the power, you need the power.
So sad....too bad. We have enclosed a little picture to help
outline our response. Have a nice day and keep those checks coming!

    Sincerely,

      Your Local Power Co .

Gun Control

Doctors vs Gun owners




(A)   The number of physicians in the U.S. is


700,000.

(B)   Accidental deaths caused by Physicians
 
per year are   120,000.
 
(C)   Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
 
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of 
Health and Human Services. 

Now think about this:


Guns


(A)   The number of gun owners in the U.S.   
 
is 80,000,000.  
(Yes, that's 80 million)


 
(B)   The number of accidental gun deaths 
per year, all age groups, is 
1,500. 



(C)   The number of accidental deaths 
per gun owner is   
.000188.




Statistics courtesy of FBI




 
So, statistically, doctors are approximately

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.






Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do..'




 




 


FACT:   NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT    
ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.


Please alert your friends  
to this 
alarming threat.


We must ban doctors 
before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

 

Out of concern for the public at large, 
I withheld the statistics on 
  lawyers




for fear the shock would cause 

people to panic and seek medical attention! 

And the fascination lives on

Tinkle

 

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in? Tears.? 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet Came out,' replied the daughter The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago? About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'? Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago? A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.' 'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.' I KNOW YOU SMILED

Directions anyone?

Anus Burger

Losing your ass!

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it ..... He was screwed. All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house.... And thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal . After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant,he leaped out of bed ...... And his butt fell off.

The moral to this is: 'Don't screw around with things you don't understand --You could lose your ass.'

Progress Bar

Sign on a brothel door

Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

A. Beat it! We're closed.

Eggs

A Father of Many

  
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
Noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
Wore   his collar backwards. 

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.' 

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' 

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
Many.' 


The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
Doesn't wear his collar that way!' 

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
Went back to reading his book. 

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
Said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards
Instead of your collar.'

Rural Kids of Texas

    Miss Sally Edwards is a highly esteemed third grade teacher at Jacksboro Elementary. In an effort to prepare her students for the all-important TAKS test, she compiled an exam consisting of 20 questions, which she administered to her class last Tuesday.
    The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics.

I call your attention to question # 11, which simply read:

LIST, IN ANY ORDER, THE FOUR SEASONS:
1. ________  2. ________ 3.________  4. ________

Now, could you possibly imagine that 67% of the students gave the following answer?

                                  ********  SCROLL DOWN  *******

 

 

 

 

 

1. DOVE SEASON    2. DEER SEASON   3. DUCK SEASON    4.  TURKEY SEASON

GOD BLESS THE RURAL KIDS OF TEXAS !!!

How can you smoke?

A Topless Chick

When the damn phone rings!!!

I can actually relate to this one and it's NOT funny!!!

Humor

SUMBICH!!!!

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in  my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone  turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
 
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds,  biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
 
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were  screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
 
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
 
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
 
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what  do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the Sumbich who pushed me in the pool!

A Hairless Cat and Evolution?

All My Business

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband
and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.  In his
highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than
30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford
new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was
going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let
go.  It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,
and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than
thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1
million.  Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they
were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged'
him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results
of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million,
her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he
found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were
doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths
shut!

Titty Bar in Wisconsin . ADULT CONTENT!!

Titty bar in Wisconsin !!

What were you expecting???

It's Wisconsin

A Wedding Cake

 A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.  'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'  After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

Fail

 

 

Retirement

Question:  How many days in a week?
Answer:  6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question:  When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer:  Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question:  How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer:  Only one, but it might take all day.

Question:  What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:  There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question:  Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer:  The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question:  Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer:  Tied shoes.

Question:  Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:  They are the only ones who have the time.  
 
Question:  What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer:  NUTS!

Question:  Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer:  They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question:  What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:  Normal.

Question:  What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer:  The never ending Coffee Break.

Question:  What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:  If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question:  Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer:  He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite....

QUESTION:  What do you do all week?
Answer:  Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

Action Figures

I really miss mine!

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.


After having great sex, she spent the next hour

just stroking his pecker, something she seemed

to love to do.


Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you

love doing that?'


She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'