Short Fuse

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her  home with him. He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a  great chest you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb.  of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What  massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb.  of dynamite, baby."He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes  running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his  clothes back on and chases after her.  He catches up to her and asks why  she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was  afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse  was."

Nickel and Dimed

God created the dog

God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.

For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Math

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. 
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary  down
and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day,
little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't
even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to  his room and started studying.

Books and  papers were spread out all over the room and
little Zachary was hard at  work. His mother was amazed.

 

She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to
his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the
books as hard as before.

This went on for some time,  day after day, while the
mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought  home his report Card. He
quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books..
With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her  great
surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his
room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little
Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was
it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the
first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew
they weren't fooling around.'

Have a wonderful day and  God Bless.

Polly wants some crack

What Luck eh?

Can you believe it? This guy wins 181 million in the lottery on a Wednesday,

and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.

Talk about LUCK!!!!
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Butt Face

McDonald's art

Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of
Tennessee and he sees a sign  in front of a
broken down shanty-style house: Talking Dog
For Sale.  He  rings the bell and the owner
appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing
a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'


The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that
I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to
help the government, so I told the CIA.  In no time
at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'



'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running. But, the jetting around really tired me
out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I
decided to settle down.  I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security, wandering
near suspicious characters and listening in. 

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was
awarded a batch of medals.'  'I got married, had
a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and
asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing!
'Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap!!!

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

 

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.
IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Pigeon Shit

 Pigeon Shit

Dear God All I wanted was $100.00

 Dear God All I wanted was $100.00

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When The postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

Another Penis out the window

A man and a woman were driving down the road,
 arguing about his infidelity when suddenly the woman reached
 over and cut the man's penis off and tossed it out the
 window.



 Driving behind the couple was a man and his
 8-year-old daughter. The girl was chatting away to her
 father when all of a sudden the penis splattered into their
 car windshield, stuck for a moment, then disappeared over
 the roof.



 Surprised, the daughter asked her father,
 'Daddy, what was that?' < br> > >


Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl
 to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied,
 'It.... it was only a bug, Honey.'



The daughter sat with a confused look on her face,
 and after a moment said.................



 'Had a big dick, didn't it?'

TAILGATER ~

A man was being tailgated by a stressed- out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hand s up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I ' m very sorry for this mistake.
You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. '
I noticed the  'What Would Jesus Do bumper sticker,
the  'Choose Life' license plate holder,
the  'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker,
and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem  on the trunk.

 
Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car. '

Priceless.

Dentist Appointment

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

Bull What???

In a Pickle

Bill worked in a pickle factory.  
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.  
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too..'