Greener Grass

Greener Grass... Its important in life to reach out, to strive for greater achievements, to go for that greener grass that is on the other side of the fence ........ But one must also be careful

Sometimes you can reach too far !

But when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember.......
Not everyone who shows up, is there to help you!!!!

The Theory of Intelligence

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this . 

 

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . .
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group
keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
 
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

Your panties are smiling

 This is exactly why you should always, ALWAYS...twirl once in front of the mirror before leaving the house.



But just think how many people she made smile throughout the day.

Oh, Go ahead and zap yourself!

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

 

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!     

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ......!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching... My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!  

Audit Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS  office.

  The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

  The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no

  full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money

  gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

  I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a

  demonstration?'

  The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

  Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'  Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

  The auditor's jaw drops.  Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my

  other eye.'

  Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the

  bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

  The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with

  Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

  'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand

  dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket

  on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

  The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and

  decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he

  agrees again.

  Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains

  mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,

  so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

  The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss

  into a break even.

  But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

  'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

  'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd

  been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he

  could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.

Comical Comics

 

  

  

 

 

 

Virus alert!

I just wanted you to know about this new virus. I am not sure if Microsoft or Norton has a fix for this yet.
Virus alert!
 
If your computer does this
when copying a file...

 

You KNOW it's been infected

with some shit!

A farmer and a cop

A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO and talks with an old
 farmer.


 He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown
 drugs.'

 The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

 The Sheriff verbally explodes saying,

 'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriff's Department with me.'
 Reaching
 into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly
 displays it to the farmer.

 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever
 I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given.

 Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

 The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

 Later, the farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for
 his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is
 gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.

 The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence
 and yells at the top of his lungs.....

 'Your badge! Show him your badge!

Humorous signs

 

  

 

To get a woman to bed!

What is the difference between taking girls/women to bed at the following ages: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?

 

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

 

At 18 -- You tell her a story so you can take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to 

 

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

 

 

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed. 

 

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

 

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that WILL be a story!

 

And at 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

 

 

 

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem: A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom...That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror

There are teachers . . . and then there are educators

Retirment, What to do for fun?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.  Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop.  We were only in there for about five minutes.  When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"  He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.  I called him a Dumb Ass.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Mary called him a Shit Head.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.  Then he started writing a third ticket.  This went on for about twenty minutes.  The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then, our bus arrived.  We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.  It's important at our age.

Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?

Three old guys

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

Garage Doors

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to hi m and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'

I changed the will

An elderly lady...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. She went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have her fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the lady to hear 100%
The elderly lady went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The lady replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Slim

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

A Rose

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On ! the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

In their nineties

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the Jimmie gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'Joan asked
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' Joan asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
Jimmie says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' Joan asks.
Irritated, Jimmie says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then Jimmie toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The Jimmie returns from the kitchen and hands his wife Joan a plate of bacon and eggs. Joan stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

Senior citizen

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you wan! t to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Hearing aid

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

A banana split.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

How bad is the economy?

It is definitely getting very bad!

 Cats are so dramatic

LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John  had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

 

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:....

"I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

Forrest What?