The Blonde and the Handgun
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up ... you're next!"
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Blondes in Parking Lot
Blondes in Parking Lot
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.
The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.
The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
Billboard Sign
I saw a billboard sign that said:
NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787
Out of curiosity, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawn mower.
NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787
Out of curiosity, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawn mower.
Friday, May 29, 2009
The Buttocks
The Buttocks
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, ‘Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?’
‘My darling,’ she replied, ‘I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.’
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, ‘Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?’
‘My darling,’ she replied, ‘I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.’
Thursday, May 28, 2009
The Wong's
There was a HUGE mistake 4 days ago when I posted this. The babies name did not show up. My apologies, and thank you to Odie for pointing it out, so I am re-posting it.
The Wongs
This is perhaps what I consider to be the funniest I have received in a long time!
I am always looking for new material if you wish to share!
Thanks!!!
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian,
WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong,
what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make
a white, so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?
Sum- Ting Wong
You know you laughed (well you know you at chuckled)
The Wongs
This is perhaps what I consider to be the funniest I have received in a long time!
I am always looking for new material if you wish to share!
Thanks!!!
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian,
WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong,
what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make
a white, so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?
Sum- Ting Wong
You know you laughed (well you know you at chuckled)
The Economy Is So Bad..
The Economy Is So Bad..
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico .
The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Motel Six won't leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
And finally ... Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, great idea ...the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico .
The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Motel Six won't leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
And finally ... Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, great idea ...the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
What is a Yankee?
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... 'a recipe'.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time .' -A southern fairytale
begins
'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... 'a recipe'.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time .' -A southern fairytale
begins
'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Why boys need parents
This is for those mothers of boys, sisters of boys, and boys that have grown older....
And anyone else who needs a laugh.
Why boys need parents...
And anyone else who needs a laugh.
Why boys need parents...
Monday, May 25, 2009
The Wongs
The Wongs
This is perhaps what I consider to be the funniest I have received in a long time!
I am always looking for new material if you wish to share!
Thanks!!!
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian,
WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong,
what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make
a white, so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?
Sum- Ting Wong
You know you laughed (well you know you at chuckled)
This is perhaps what I consider to be the funniest I have received in a long time!
I am always looking for new material if you wish to share!
Thanks!!!
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian,
WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong,
what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make
a white, so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?
Sum- Ting Wong
You know you laughed (well you know you at chuckled)
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Who invented the toothbrush?
Who invented the toothbrush ?
A Redneck.
(If it had been invented by anyone else,
it would have been called a teethbrush.)
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16
and says to the driver, 'Got any I.D. ?'.
and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
A new Redneck law was just recent ly passed
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion burned down ?
'Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'
A Redneck.
(If it had been invented by anyone else,
it would have been called a teethbrush.)
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16
and says to the driver, 'Got any I.D. ?'.
and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
A new Redneck law was just recent ly passed
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion burned down ?
'Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Redneck Motel
How do you know when you're staying
in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say,
I gotta leak in my sink, and the
clerk replies, 'Go ahead'.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age for Rednecks to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol
out of the high schools.
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records
in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say,
I gotta leak in my sink, and the
clerk replies, 'Go ahead'.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age for Rednecks to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol
out of the high schools.
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records
Friday, May 22, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Going green with underwear
This was taken in front of the Gardendale, Alabama Wal-Mart,
where the young lady was shopping at the Flea market.
This is hysterical! Look at it closely.
Now I ask you...
Who stands and looks at a pair of men's briefs and says
hummmm ... I can make me a nice summer top from these!!
On the other hand ... $6 for a three pack is a good price!!
But what if they weren't bought new? That's redneck recycling at its best.
Don't throw out yer feller's drawers when the skidmarks don't wash out no more.
where the young lady was shopping at the Flea market.
This is hysterical! Look at it closely.
Who stands and looks at a pair of men's briefs and says
hummmm ... I can make me a nice summer top from these!!
On the other hand ... $6 for a three pack is a good price!!
But what if they weren't bought new? That's redneck recycling at its best.
Don't throw out yer feller's drawers when the skidmarks don't wash out no more.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Generation Y
I've always wondered about this myself..
Now I know.
- The Silent generation, people born before 1946.
- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1959.
- Generation X , people born between 1960 and 1979.
- Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 2008.
Why do we call the last one Generation Y?
I did not know, but a caricaturist explains it eloquently below..
Now I know.
- The Silent generation, people born before 1946.
- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1959.
- Generation X , people born between 1960 and 1979.
- Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 2008.
Why do we call the last one Generation Y?
I did not know, but a caricaturist explains it eloquently below..
Thursday, May 14, 2009
WE CAN'T EAT...
WE CAN'T EAT...
~
We Can't Eat Pork Because Of...
"SWINE FLU"
~
We Can't Eat Chicken Because Of...
"BIRD FLU"
~
We Can't Eat Beef Because Of...
"MAD COW DISEASE"
~
We Can't Eat Eggs Because Of...
"SALMONEIIA"
~
We Can't Eat Fish Because Of...
"HEAVY METAL'S POISONING THE WATER"
~
We Can't Eat Veggies Because Of...
"POISONS IN THE INSECTICIDE SPRAY"
~
We Can't Eat Fruits Because Of...
"HERBICIDES POISONING THE SOIL"
~
Sooooooooooo,
I Guess this only leaves...
(SCROLL DOWN)
CHOCOLATE AND ICE CREAM!
ALWAYS REMEMBER
"STRESSED"
SPELLED BACKWARDS IS...
"DESSERTS"
~
We Can't Eat Pork Because Of...
"SWINE FLU"
~
We Can't Eat Chicken Because Of...
"BIRD FLU"
~
We Can't Eat Beef Because Of...
"MAD COW DISEASE"
~
We Can't Eat Eggs Because Of...
"SALMONEIIA"
~
We Can't Eat Fish Because Of...
"HEAVY METAL'S POISONING THE WATER"
~
We Can't Eat Veggies Because Of...
"POISONS IN THE INSECTICIDE SPRAY"
~
We Can't Eat Fruits Because Of...
"HERBICIDES POISONING THE SOIL"
~
Sooooooooooo,
I Guess this only leaves...
(SCROLL DOWN)
CHOCOLATE AND ICE CREAM!
ALWAYS REMEMBER
"STRESSED"
SPELLED BACKWARDS IS...
"DESSERTS"
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