We just knew it was coming.

We just knew it was coming.

Men strike back! How many men does it take to open a beer?   None. It should be open when she brings it.   ----------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?   Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ----------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men?   It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.   
----------------------------------------------------------- 
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?   
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....' 
----------------------------------------------------------- 
  
  
How do you fix a woman's watch?   
You don't. There is a clock on the oven. 
---------------------------------------------------------- 
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? 
The dog, of course.. He'll shut up once you let him in. 
-- ---------- ---------------------------------------------- 
  Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.   
It's called a Wedding Cake. 
  ---------------------------------------------------- 
Why do men die before their wives? 
They want to. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Women will never be equal to men 
until they can walk down the street with a bald head 
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.     
  ------------------------------------------------------ 
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and 
to the select few women who can handle it!   
AND MAXINE SAYS..............'MARVIN'...     

Not that cat named Lucky

Not that cat named Lucky

 

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

 And finally..
A CAT NAMED LUCKY...

If you are you expecting a heart-wrenching story

about a cat that got run over by a truck,

lost a leg and dragged himself 100 kilometres

after being bitten by a snake?

W R O N G! 
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Meet Lucky

3 nuns and a ballgame

 

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A CUBS BASEBALL GAME..

THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND..

BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA..

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH.. THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.."

THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA.. THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE.."

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO.. THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE.."

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,

"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"

 

Las Vegas churches Accept gambling Chips

I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!
 
Las Vegas churches
Accept gambling
Chips

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.


NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED. 

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS. 

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN. 


THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

YOU
DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU? 

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about
their asses; the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat............
 
10% of women think their ass is too skinny......
 
The remaining 60% say they don't care........
 
they love him, he's a good man and
they wouldn't trade him for the world.

Recession in 2009

Due to the recession in 2009,
the government will start deporting all the mentally ill people to save money.

I started crying when I thought of you.

Run my little crazy friend, run!

 

Well, what can I say??? 
Someone sent it to me, and dammit,
I'm NOT going alone!!?

The Aussies Have a Gentle Way of Describing Things

The Aussies Have a Gentle Way of Describing Things

T. B.  Bechtel, a  City Councilor from  Newcastle,  Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.  His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
 
All he said was this:
"If hooking up one rag head terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel shagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say:  “Red is positive, black is negative and make sure his nuts are wet'." 

 

Payback to the men and their bikini watching

 Payback to the men and their bikini watching

How many emails have we girls received of these tiny little bikinis??? Well Guys... It's your turn!!!


YOU MUST READ THE NAMES OF THE SWIM SUITS! hahaha..



Inspired by Sasha Baron Cohen this NEW line of swimwear will rock next summer!

The future of men's bathing suits... !!


Sarong for the dong.


peek-a-boo dickie doo.


Dingie dongie.


Spaghetti and meat balls


Wet Willie wonder.


Sling ding


Hot pocket.


 by crackie'

And then the fight started.... Again & Again

 My wife and I were sitting at a table at my
high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken
lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'         'Yes,' I sighed,
'She's my old girlfriend.   I understand she took to drinking right
after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'  'My Goodness!' says my wife,
'who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?'
      And then the fight started....
   
      ******************************************
   
      I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter,
for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium
rare, please." He said, "Aren't you
worried about         the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
      And then the fight started...
   
      ******************************************
   
 
   A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom
mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says
to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment....' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near
perfect.'
      And then the fight started......

And then the fight started..... Again

  I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there
we were alongside the road and slowly the other
driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get
soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me,
and shouted,
      "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said,   "Well, then which
one are you?" And then the fight started.....
   
      *****************************************
   
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that
goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a
scale. And then the fight started...
   
      ******************************************
   
When I got home last night, my wife demanded
that I take  her someplace, expensive...so, I took her to
a gas station.  And then the fight started...
   
      ******************************************
   
After retiring, I went to the Social   Security office to
apply for Social Security. The woman behind
the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very
sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I
opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She
said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me' and she processed my Social Security application

      When I got home, I excitedly told my wife
about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your
pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
      And then the fight started...
    

And then the fight started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
      channels. She asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust.'
      And then the fight started...
   
      ******************************************
   
      My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A
      Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and
      said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I asked,
    " Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me
      this time, simply saying, "Yes."
      So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
     And then the fight started....
   
      ******************************************

   
      Saturday morning I got up early, quietly
dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly
into the garage.  I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph,
so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all
day.  I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's
back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible.."    My loving wife of 10 years replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in
that?"
And that's how the fight started...
   

Thank you letter to Tide

Dear Tide
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of
my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in
my fifties I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how
clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing
led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and
satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so
well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my
blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no
longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Lifesavers and teachers

 A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) using lifesavers

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled,  Spit 'em out everybody ! They're butt-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS ,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
          ***************************
(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?)

A little known Hockey fact

A little known fact....


The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

Wooden Leg Insurance

 Wooden Leg Insurance

                A man and his wife, moved back home to Missouri , from Texas . The

husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Texas, it cost them $2000. per year!

When  they arrived in Missouri , they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.00'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in

Missouri to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Texas !

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and

said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any

wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is

$39.00... You just have to know how to describe it!'

 

Tramp Stamp

No Way!/ADULT ONLy

Now this is a "tramp" stamp!

 

Check the detail!
YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A BUTTERFLY DIDN'T YOU ... LoL

BET HER Mother IS PROUD OF HER!!

Post Office job

Post Office job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.  The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says.  "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."  Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to be here until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the inter-viewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Reason For Divorce

Reason For Divorce

 

A Jewish woman said to her mother, "I'm divorcing Norm!  All he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel."


Her mother replied, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year!"

"You want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"