VW porn art?

The California Highway Patrol in the Los Angeles area recently found some amusement filling out accident reports in a series of car accidents As it turned out, drivers were losing control and running into other vehicles upon seeing a giant women's pubis displayed on the front part of an oncoming car.

 
The CHP started frantically looking for the dangerous pubis and came upon the tracks of a young hairdresser named Nelly Node. Nelly's passion for the arts made the young woman photograph her own crotch and put the zoomed picture on her Volkswagen Beetle. Nelly decided to use such a shameless method to prepare her college course work in which she analyzed the art of design. The witty student's idea worked for the college professors.
 
She was proudly driving her 'pubic beetle' until the CHP arrested the woman. The court ruled that Nelly's car was creating a dangerous situation on the roads. The girl had to paint over her car's hood.
 
Here's a picture of her VW before she had to repaint it.

 

 
You don't suppose the other drivers were driving along saying "Twat was that??"
 
And was she charged with pubic indecency?
 
It's a good thing she was picked up by the fuzz...
 
I'll stop the cracks now. 

 

Indian orders coffee

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:

'Want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.


 The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter

'Want coffee.'

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?'


The Indian smiles and proudly says .

'I Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for  others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

Test for Idiocy

Test for   Idiocy
B elow are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!!



First Question:

Y ou are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

 

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutel! y wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first one, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

 

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?

 

Third Question:
V ery tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it.. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?



~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
...Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the ! name of the fifth daughter?




~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:
I may have sent this one before.. I! 'm never sure.

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~



 
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!




 
  PASS TH IS  ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE 

IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE WORLD

  IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE WORLD

Obama Health Care Proposals

It is enough to make one think they are full of it up to here.  

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health ,care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.  The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.  Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.  Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.  The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter....."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.  The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

KidsAreQuick

KidsAreQuick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. 
MARIA:Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? 
CLASS: Maria. 
______________________________ ______

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. 
_______________________________________ ___

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' 
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L' 
TEACHER: No, that's wrong 
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
_____________________ _______________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
DONALD: H I J K L M N O. 
TEACHER: What are you talking about? 
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. 
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that wedidn't have ten years ago. 
WINNIE: Me! 
_____________________ _____________________ 

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. 
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' 
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.' 
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. 
_____________________ _________________ 

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. 
_____________________ _________ 

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? 
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. 
_____________________ ______________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

What happens in Texas stays in Texas

What happens in Texas stays in Texas

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales..

Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, 'I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.'

Ben, from Colorado, couldn't stand to be bested.. That's nothing, 'I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.'

Old Dungus Bob, the cowboy from WestTexas, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER


Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetc h a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.   Stupid, stupid man.

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the
 seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, ...formerly
 known as California .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as
Mexifornia's third language

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States
crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10
 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by
Lichtenstein.  No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be
imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned
all smoking..

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89
and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only..

85-year $75.8 billion study concludes: Diet and exercise is the key
to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third
consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast
 shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth
 shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every  Middle and High School in
United States

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWAR even though gas is
selling for 4,532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only
open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

 Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their
civil rights.


Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven
inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers,

fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be
registered by January 2030. 

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. 

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you
 want; then, guess what...NOTHING will happen. No miracles,
 no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone
 smile or be very very scared.

I Love This Country!

It's The Government That Scares
 Me!

Only a Texas man

Only a Texas man can make her feel like a woman.

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped.... Then, he spoke...
 
"Iron this -- and then get me a beer."
 

MEANING OF LIFE IN 13 WORDS

MEANING OF LIFE IN 13 WORDS: 
  
  
"Inside every older person is a younger person 
wondering what the fuck happened."

GROWING OLD

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:

Well, crap...

Now I forgot what it was..

The Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,  her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad.....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad--as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a 10-bedroom mansion, plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited-edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.

Come here and give yer old dad a hug.

Don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!

* A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.


He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He
approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'


'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What
are the three tests?'


'You must pay first......
Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while,
the man gives the bartender the $10
and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do: First - You
have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you
can't make a face while doing it.


Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You
have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
who has never had sex.... You have to take care of that problem!'


The man is stunned.. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and
then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender.....

'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did
it in fifty-eight seconds!


Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained
to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and
screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and
he's bleeding all over his body.


He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'


The moral to the story:

Listen carefully to the directions,
and don't trust your judgment
when alcohol is involved!

Never argue with a Woman

Never argue with a Woman
                      
One morning, the   husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

 Although   not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.  She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, And begins to read her book.  The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.  He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'  

'Reading a   book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing.. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
  I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do   that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden. 

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

 MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.  It's likely she can also think..

The Vicar

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.    There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

 

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Melbourne , stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' 

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. 

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, ¡If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'   More sighs and loud applause. 

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 

'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'   There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 

 

'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?' 

 

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking

His head from side to side, while his wife replies: 

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.  

 

Only great minds

Eonverye taht can raed tihs � pelase rsaie yuor hnad. 

 

Only great minds can read this
This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Growing old

 A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:

 

 Shit ...

 I forgot what it was....