Ramblings of a Retired Mind

Ramblings  of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aidand now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and  decided that old age is 'when you still have  something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded  furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for  company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an  emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was  thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a  whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me,  I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
                                                                             
Enjoy Your D ays & Love Your Life, Because Life is a journey to be  savored.

Senior Citizen? I don't think so!

 $5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."  

    I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 59, not even 60 yet a mere child! Senior citizen?  

    I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?  

    I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.  

    Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?  

    "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"  

    I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.  

    Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.  

    Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.  

    I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.  

    Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.  

    She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."  

    All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.  

    As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.  

Did I read that sign right?

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER.  PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a Memphis department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER COFFEE BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE COFFEE POT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN!

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Allisonville

Just because I found this picture on the internet, and just because it has my name on it (spelled the right way incidentally) has nothing to do with why I am posting this picture!
HONEST!!!

 

I just thought the misspelling was quite funny!

Signed, Allison 

(Not of Allisonville, but of Westwood) LOL!!!

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

JUST TOO CUTE.

This is the cleanest E-mail joke
I've come across in a long while!




A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.’

Don't you just love senior citizens

 

A very self-important college student attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

    'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

    'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing . And ... Pausing to take another drink of beer....

    The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young,.. So we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?'

    The applause was deafening. 

Don't you just love senior citizens...

Bonafide Rednecks

A Tennessee couple -- Dave and Rebecca Kosmitis both bonifide rednecks, had 9 children.
They went to the  doctor to see about getting Dave 'fixed.'
The doctor gladly  started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make  the decision.
Why, after 9  children, would they choose to do this?

Dave replied that they had read in a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children
being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having
a Mexican Baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

 

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?

 

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both side had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex? '

 

The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently. 

 

'It's rust..'

The Ostrich in the restaurant

       

The Ostrich

 A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. 

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to

the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.  "That will

be $9.40 please."  The man reaches into his pocket and

pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man

says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

 

 The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

 Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

 This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"

asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and

a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and

places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.  "Excuse me, 

sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change

in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says  the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and

found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered

me two wishes.   My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,

I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money

 would always be there."

"That's  brilliant!" says the waitress.  "Most  people would ask for a

 million dollars or something, but you'll  always be as rich as you want

for as long as you live!"

"That's right.  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact

money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick

with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

  

 

Just for today

I tried it, I liked it, you will too!

**Just For Today**

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass. If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, and then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some. Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program! SCROLL DOWN.... NOW SCROLL UP. That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Mid life crisis

 

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women.  Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be....Puhle eeeeeeze!  I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you.  Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60, 70 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.

 

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down..  

This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans.

 We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

 

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

 

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, 'Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too'

 

 Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, cellphone-wearing teenager and think: 'For this I have stretch marks?

  

In mid-life your memory starts to go.  In fact the only thing we can retain is water.


Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin

Mid-life means that you become more reflective . . . You start pondering the 'big' questions.

What is life?

Why am I here?

How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.  We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile.  Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when?  Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

 

God created the dog and said

God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.

For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 

Dog in heat

A  little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat..'

 'What's that mean?' asked the child.

 'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

 The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a
walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to
come to you.'

 Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round
the block.'

 The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

 ( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )



 The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
another dog is pushing her home.'

Why do women have two hands?

 

  

  

  

Any More Questions!!

Child Support

To All my Friends & Family:

I am letting you know before you hear it from anyone else, or on the news, or through the internet rumor mill, that I have been contacted by a woman who alleges that I am the father of her child.

I do not know whether she wishes to substantiate this by means of a DNA test, however she has sent me a photograph of the child, which bears a very strong & undeniable resemblance to me.

On the basis of this photographic evidence I have decided to begin paying child support.

 

Japenese eye test

 

Japanese Eye Test .....

 

BRILLIANT!!!

 

 

 

If you cannot decipher this message, then try pulling outward at the corner of your eyes [as if you were Japanese]. It works!!!

 

Too much fun to not pass on!

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven

 The day finally arrived.. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at The Pearly Gates , met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering An entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

 

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter continued, "Yes, I Know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: what two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?"

 

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers" Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes opened wide and He exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.

 

How about the next one?" asked St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year ? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds In a year?" Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's Got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... " "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.

 

Let us go on with the third and final question.. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy." "Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated And frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.." St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."  

 

Give me a sense of humor, Lord. Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,

To get some humor out of life, And to pass it on to other folks.

 

The cutest ass

This, without a doubt, is the cutest ass you will ever see…
 

  
  
 

HEY~!!

Not everything that I send is nasty, dirty, filthy, raunchy or disgusting!

 

 

 

 

  Any More Questions!!

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed

in the hospital,

 

wearing an oxygen mask over his

 

mouth and nose,

 

still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give him a

partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my

test1cles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies

'I don't know,Sir.

I'm only here to wash

your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again,

'Nurse, are my

test1cles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,

she overcomes her

embarrassment and sheepishly

pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his

penis in one hand and his

test1cles in the other,

lifting and moving them

around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong

with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,

smiles at her and

says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was

wonderful, but listen

very, very closely...... .

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k

?

9 months later

9 months later!!!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he
had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day

I was in the pub yesterday

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

BAPTIST DINNER FOR EIGHT

BAPTIST DINNER FOR EIGHT ! !

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison." He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK. So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Old' Spot's (the yard dog) a double handful. Old' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Janet watched Old' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town

to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 21 & Mexican dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear.

She said, "Mrs. Williams, Old' Spot just died." Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.

I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, anda stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Old' Spot never even stopped!!!