Little Johnny's at it again

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
   
  Molly put up her hand and said, ' My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.'
   
  The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
   
  Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

  Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

  She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

  Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.' 

  The teacher sat down and cried.

Crossing the border

This is an e-mail I decided to post. It is not funny in anyway however I felt the need to share.

Allison

LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT.



 IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY

YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

 IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY

YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

 IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY,

YOU GET SHOT.

 IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY

YOU WILL BE JAILED.

 IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY

YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

 IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY

YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

 IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY

YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

 IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY

YOU GET

 A JOB,
 A DRIVERS LICENSE,
 SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
 WELFARE,
 FOOD STAMPS,
 CREDIT CARDS,
 SUBSIDIZED RENT

OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
 FREE EDUCATION,
 FREE HEALTH CARE,
 A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON
 BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
 THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY’S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON’T GET ENOUGH RESPECT AND,

IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.



 I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION…

Spring flowers

 A link to a beautiful reminder that spring is just around the corner.Make sure you click all over the page. Soooo pretty!

-This is sooo Cool - have fun with it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cool!

 

 

 

Click on the snowman.  You will get a black page. Click your mouse anywhere and everywhere on the black page. Better yet, click (hold down) & drag your mouse over the black page,  or just hold in one place. Enjoy!!

Regifting Robin

THIS IS MIND BLOWING  

       Someone needs  to figure out how this works! Amazing.          

    

To my  gifted friends. This stumped me..

If you can figure out how she does  it please let me know. 

  I never even touched the cursor on my  chosen number.. 

   Once I did not even follow the directions, I  just looked at the number and she still got it! 

  This will  drive you crazy!

    Click here: Regifting  Robin " target=_blank rel=nofollow<http://www.regiftable.com/regiftingrobinpopup.html

No false advertising here

Joe, the middle guy, is dressed  up as a doctor so that he can take care of  these guys when someone beats them up  later.

I bet this picture was not taken in a real church! 

 The new BMW grill!

Excited about the weather?

Grandpa's GPS system

No false advertising here!

 W.T.F.?????

Smart ass old rancher

Hysterical!!  Gotta love an smart ass old rancher!

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

  With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

 " Your badge! Show him your BADGE ! "

UPS airlines

UPS airlinesJust in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight,  UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS  pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major carrier that has never, ever, had an accident. 

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

How to get to heaven from Ireland

How to get to Heaven from  Ireland


I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class  to see if they understood the  concept of getting to heaven.

I asked  them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all  my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!'  the children answered.

'If I  cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy,  would that get me into heaven?'

Again,  the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.

'Well,  then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and  loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'.

I was just bursting with pride for  them.

I continued,

' Then how can I get into heaven?' A six year-old  boy shouted out:


"  YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."  

Illegal immigrants

 This was nominated for  best joke of the year - worth sharing.
A  Somali arrives in Vancouver as a  new immigrant to America .  He  stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says  ... 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing,  money for food, free  medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am  Mexican.'

The  man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a  beautiful country here in America !'
The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'

The  new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand  and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America !'

That person puts up his hand  and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American !'
He  finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a American ?'
She says , 'No, I am  from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the  Americans ?'
The  African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at  work'

How to tell the sex of a bird

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A BIRD 

This Is AMAZING!!!

Until now I never fully understood how to tell The difference Between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically. Until Now. 

Below are Two Birds. Study them closely....See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.
It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills..! 

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* 

Send this to all of the men you know, who could do with a good laugh 

And to all women who have a great sense of humor.................J

God is busy

GOD Is Busy
If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!
A United States Marine was attending some college
courses between assignments. He had completed missions
in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor
who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, GOD if you are real
then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly
15 min.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am
GOD, I'm still waiting.'
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got
out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him;
knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there
looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to,
noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What
in the world is the matter with you? 'Why did you do that?'
The Marine calmly replied, 'GOD was too busy today protecting
America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid
stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me.'
The classroom erupted in cheers!

1947

  1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.
This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.
It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Now You Know