How to get to heaven from Ireland

How to get to Heaven from  Ireland


I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class  to see if they understood the  concept of getting to heaven.

I asked  them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all  my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!'  the children answered.

'If I  cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy,  would that get me into heaven?'

Again,  the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.

'Well,  then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and  loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'.

I was just bursting with pride for  them.

I continued,

' Then how can I get into heaven?' A six year-old  boy shouted out:


"  YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."  

Illegal immigrants

 This was nominated for  best joke of the year - worth sharing.
A  Somali arrives in Vancouver as a  new immigrant to America .  He  stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says  ... 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing,  money for food, free  medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am  Mexican.'

The  man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a  beautiful country here in America !'
The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'

The  new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand  and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America !'

That person puts up his hand  and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American !'
He  finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a American ?'
She says , 'No, I am  from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the  Americans ?'
The  African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at  work'

How to tell the sex of a bird

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A BIRD 

This Is AMAZING!!!

Until now I never fully understood how to tell The difference Between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically. Until Now. 

Below are Two Birds. Study them closely....See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.
It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills..! 

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Send this to all of the men you know, who could do with a good laugh 

And to all women who have a great sense of humor.................J

God is busy

GOD Is Busy
If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!
A United States Marine was attending some college
courses between assignments. He had completed missions
in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor
who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, GOD if you are real
then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly
15 min.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am
GOD, I'm still waiting.'
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got
out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him;
knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there
looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to,
noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What
in the world is the matter with you? 'Why did you do that?'
The Marine calmly replied, 'GOD was too busy today protecting
America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid
stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me.'
The classroom erupted in cheers!

1947

  1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.
This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.
It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Now You Know

Jesus

                 A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight

                 around, looking for valuables when a voice in the darkness warned,

               'Jesus is watching you.'

                 He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

                 When he heard nothing more, after a while, he shook his head and    continued.

                 Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as  a bell he heard

                  Jesus is watching you.'

                  Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source   of the voice.

             Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a   parrot.

                  Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

                  'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that   he is watching you.'

                  The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me !  Who in the world are you?'

                  'Moses,' replied the bird.

                  'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird   Moses?'

                  'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

Robot Lie Detector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

 "Where have you been, and why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy... The robot walked around the table, slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

 "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy... The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair again.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called 'Sex Queen'"

 "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha whacked her and knocked her out of her chair!