Never argue with a Woman

Never argue with a Woman
                      
One morning, the   husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

 Although   not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.  She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, And begins to read her book.  The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.  He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'  

'Reading a   book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing.. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
  I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do   that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden. 

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

 MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.  It's likely she can also think..

The Vicar

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.    There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

 

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Melbourne , stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' 

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. 

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, ¡If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'   More sighs and loud applause. 

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 

'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'   There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 

 

'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?' 

 

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking

His head from side to side, while his wife replies: 

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.  

 

Only great minds

Eonverye taht can raed tihs � pelase rsaie yuor hnad. 

 

Only great minds can read this
This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Growing old

 A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:

 

 Shit ...

 I forgot what it was....

We just knew it was coming.

We just knew it was coming.

Men strike back! How many men does it take to open a beer?   None. It should be open when she brings it.   ----------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?   Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ----------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men?   It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.   
----------------------------------------------------------- 
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?   
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....' 
----------------------------------------------------------- 
  
  
How do you fix a woman's watch?   
You don't. There is a clock on the oven. 
---------------------------------------------------------- 
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? 
The dog, of course.. He'll shut up once you let him in. 
-- ---------- ---------------------------------------------- 
  Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.   
It's called a Wedding Cake. 
  ---------------------------------------------------- 
Why do men die before their wives? 
They want to. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Women will never be equal to men 
until they can walk down the street with a bald head 
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.     
  ------------------------------------------------------ 
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and 
to the select few women who can handle it!   
AND MAXINE SAYS..............'MARVIN'...     

Not that cat named Lucky

Not that cat named Lucky

 

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

 And finally..
A CAT NAMED LUCKY...

If you are you expecting a heart-wrenching story

about a cat that got run over by a truck,

lost a leg and dragged himself 100 kilometres

after being bitten by a snake?

W R O N G! 
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Meet Lucky

3 nuns and a ballgame

 

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A CUBS BASEBALL GAME..

THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND..

BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA..

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH.. THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.."

THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA.. THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE.."

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO.. THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE.."

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,

"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"