Monday, August 9, 2010

20 years of e-mails

I wanted to personally thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past 20 years.
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door
without using a
paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without
worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room
I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the
adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread
I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..

I have trouble shaking hands
someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving
alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip
because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse
fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

to whoever sent me the one about
rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge
with every envelope that needs sealing.

now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the
same reason.

I no longer have any savings
I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the
1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money,
but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me
for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul
because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my
every wish.

I can’t have a drink in a bar
because I’ll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys removed.

I can’t eat at KFC
because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five

I no longer drink
Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy
gas without
taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in
my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta
the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under
on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap
the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

I can’t boil a cup of water in
the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me
for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected
with AIDS when I sit down

I no longer go to shopping malls
someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex
since they are actually Al Qaeda agents
in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus
since I now have
their recipe.

I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big
black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when
it bites my ass.

I no longer drive my car
buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all
the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening
because I’m
afraid I’ll get bitten by the wood spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 10
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s
second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their
hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush
in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6
ft. out of the toilet.

I trust you are now caught up.

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I would just love to hear whatcha think? good or bad. And as usual if you have a joke or something funny you would like me to post here I would love to do so. Just let me know if you would like me to link back to you or if I can use your name. All links are welcomed.

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Thanks guys! Do I hear 55?