1.For get world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
2.I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
3.WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
4.Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
5.IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
6.Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
8.I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
9.Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
10.It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
11.Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
12.Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
13.Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
14.If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of car payments.
15.I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.
16.Never take life seriously.
17.Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
18.Never knock on Death's door: Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)
19.I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
20.You have the right to remain silent.
21.Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
22.You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
23.The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
24.Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
25.If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
26.The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
27.Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
28.Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
29.CATS: The other white meat
30.I'm an imbecile and I vote
31.Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
32.If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
33.Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
34.WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
35.If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
36.Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
37.You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!
38.You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
39.Grow your own dope, plant a man