Sunday, May 3, 2009

6 Affairs

The  1st Affair
A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.
One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8  PM.
The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful


but always talked about having a son. 

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and  delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to  see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.
He told his wife:  'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby. 

Look  at the  two beautiful daughters I  fathered!
Have  you  been fooling around behind my back?'
The  wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'Not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Jones,
about  to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Jones  had the largest private part

he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Jones,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home.   

'I  have something to show you,

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My  God!' the wife exclaimed, 

'Mr. Jones is dead!'

The  4th Affair
A  woman was in bed with her lover
when  she heard her husband

opening  the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'      

She  rubbed baby oil all over him,

then  dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't  move until I tell you,'
she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
'What's  this?' the husband inquired 

as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,
'the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The  5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One  Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak 

and a bottle of wine?'
'A  nickel,' the barman  replied.
'A  nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The  bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The  bartender replied:

'The  same thing I'm doing

to his business down here.'

The  6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:   

'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best


her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied,
'now just rest and let the poison work.'


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