Got Beer

Got beer????     A landlord's nightmare!!       SINGLE GUY LIVED IN THIS TOWNHOUSE FOR 8 YEARS IN OGDEN UTAH .  THE LANDLORD THOUGHT HE WAS THE BEST RENTER BECAUSE HE NEVER CALLED OR COMPLAINED AND WAS NEVER LATE ON A PAYMENT.

No Beer For Me

No beer for me, thanks!!!

Gotta love those Germans!!
I don't care what kind of beer it is, it ain't gonna taste the same served this way!!

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN...

  On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm..  The

turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck

by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
 

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to die,'

she wails. Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last

minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make

me feel like a WOMAN?'

Bumper stickers

1.For get world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. 

2.I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 

3.WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

4.Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

5.IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

6.Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Don't you just love senior citizens

 

A very self-important college student attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

    'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

    'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing . And ... Pausing to take another drink of beer....

    The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young,.. So we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?'

    The applause was deafening. 

Don't you just love senior citizens...

Only a Texas man

Only a Texas man can make her feel like a woman.

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped.... Then, he spoke...
 
"Iron this -- and then get me a beer."
 

Hand Job

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old
biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
farmers.

The Theory of Intelligence

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this . 

 

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . .
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group
keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
 
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

Female Hormones in Beer

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.  To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:



1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.




No further testing was considered necessary.