HOW THE WORLD WORKS LATELY

( funny--but unfortunately it's how the world thinks lately) How the world works lately...   If a man cuts his finger off while Slicing salami at work, He blames the restaurant. If you smoke three packs a day For 40 years and die of lung cancer, Your family blames the Tobacco company.

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN...

  On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm..  The

turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck

by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
 

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to die,'

she wails. Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last

minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make

me feel like a WOMAN?'

You don't know ....

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane
when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've
heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it
slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk
about?'

Blame Bill Gates

How the world works lately...  If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,  He blames the restaurant.  If you smoke three packs a day  For 40 years and die of lung cancer,  Your family blames the Tobacco company.  If your neighbor crashes  Into a tree while driving home drunk, He blames the bartender.  If your grandchildren are  Brats without manners, You blame television.  If your friend is shot by a  Deranged madman, You blame the gun manufacturer...  And if a crazed person breaks  Into the cockpit and Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, And the passengers Kill him instead, The mother of the crazed deceased Blames the airline.  I must have lived too long to Understand the world As it is anymore.  So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to Blame Bill Gates.

UPS airlines

UPS airlinesJust in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight,  UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS  pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major carrier that has never, ever, had an accident. 

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.