Rules

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."

How the fight started

That's How the Fight Started

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed,
made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the
garage.

I hooked up the boat up to
the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour.

Fishing

A guy is 75 years young and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'
...
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time,

reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

Symbols Found In A Cave

Symbols Found In A Cave     Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols: It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old! The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.  You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews. The audience applauded enthusiastically. Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

"Idiots...Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick!"

   

 

HOW TO START A FIGHT

HOW TO START A FIGHT


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
 ________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
 ________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
 ________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
 ________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
 ________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
 ________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the  van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
 ________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
 ________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
 ________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

Jack Daniels Fishing Story 

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.    Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. So I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.  A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

Pet Fish

 This is one of the funniest I have heard in a long time, or perhaps I really needed the laugh. Either way i think you will enjoy!

Allison

Pet Fish


A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin ' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, ' Do you have a license to catch those fish? '

' Naw, sir ' , replied the redneck. ' I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish. '

' Pet fish? '

' Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let ' em swim ' round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take ' em home. '

' That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that. '

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, ' It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works. '

' O. K.. ' , said the warden. ' I've got to see this! '

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, ' Well? '

' Well, what? ' , says the redneck.

The warden says, ' When are you going to call them back? '

' Call who back? '

' The FISH ' , replied the warden!

' What fish? ' , replied the redneck.


Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

Never argue with a Woman

Never argue with a Woman
                      
One morning, the   husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

 Although   not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.  She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, And begins to read her book.  The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.  He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'  

'Reading a   book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing.. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
  I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do   that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden. 

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

 MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.  It's likely she can also think..

How can you smoke?