Thinking

Eating grass

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.     "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

Some people should not be parents

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

 How to get to Heaven from  Ireland


I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class  to see if they understood the  concept of getting to heaven.

I asked  them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all  my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!'  the children answered.

'If I  cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy,  would that get me into heaven?'

Again,  the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.

'Well,  then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and  loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'.

I was just bursting with pride for  them.

I continued,

' Then how can I get into heaven?' A six year-old  boy shouted out:


"  YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...." 

Children's Science Exam

 Subject: Fwd: Fw: Children's Science Exam   

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers....

 Q: Name the four seasons.
 A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
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 Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
 A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
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 Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
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 Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
 A: Keep it in the cow.
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 Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
 A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
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 Q: What are steroids?
 A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
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 Q: What happens to your body as you age?
 A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
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 Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (This kid gets an A+ for this answer!)
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 Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
 A: Premature death.
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 Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (i.e. abdomen)
 A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
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 Q: What is the fibula?
 A: A small lie.
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 Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
 A: Nearby.
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LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John  had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

 

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:....

"I think he means her legs, Ethel...."