Four Old Yugoslavian Ladies

 These four older ladies that lived in Yugoslavia
    Always sat outside together near the church
    And chatted about when they were younger.
    One month ago they pooled their money together
    And bought a laptop.

God will tell you

DINNER FOR EIGHT

 DINNER FOR EIGHT 
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. 
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but,  mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.' 

He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.'

CHINESE PROVERBS

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Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

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Man who run in front of car get tired.

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Man who run behind car get exhausted.

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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

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Man with one chopstick go hungry.

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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

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Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth. 

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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. 

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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Unexpected endings

These are sentences  in which the  latter part of the sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way  that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first  part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes  producing an anticlimax.
  

I asked God for a bike, but I know God  doesn't work that way.  So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

A blonde in church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. 

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.  I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. 

Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask  forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.' 

No one moved. 

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.

Now stand and confess your   transgression.'

 Again, all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. 

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding..........

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. 

I simply told a  couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.

'The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared!!!

Bless me Father

Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

'I cannot say.'

Forgive your enemies

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:


'I've outlived the bitches.'

Trivia Contest

I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point.


The last question was:



"Where do most women have curly hair?





Apparently the correct answer is:  Africa.

The Vet

The Vet

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small churchfound a pink envelope
containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was
collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive
pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until
the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.


"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a
week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me
money and I give some of it to the church."


The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot,
are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send
you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful;
what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they
made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does
he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two
cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '

How to get to heaven from Ireland

How to get to Heaven from  Ireland


I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class  to see if they understood the  concept of getting to heaven.

I asked  them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all  my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!'  the children answered.

'If I  cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy,  would that get me into heaven?'

Again,  the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.

'Well,  then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and  loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'.

I was just bursting with pride for  them.

I continued,

' Then how can I get into heaven?' A six year-old  boy shouted out:


"  YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."  

The Vicar

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.    There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

 

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Melbourne , stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' 

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. 

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, ¡If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'   More sighs and loud applause. 

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 

'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'   There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 

 

'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?' 

 

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking

His head from side to side, while his wife replies: 

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.  

 

Las Vegas churches Accept gambling Chips

I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!
 
Las Vegas churches
Accept gambling
Chips

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.


NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED. 

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS. 

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN. 


THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

YOU
DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?