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Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Rednecks again?

To my readers, I have seen some of these before but not all. A shout out goes to Eric for sending me these;
 Thanks, Mondays Child
 Redneck Yard Swing 

A Redneck passed away and left his entireEstate to his beloved widow . . . But she can't touch it 'till she's 14. 

Redneck ice chest



How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?When you call the front desk and say, " I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies ....."Go ahead." 
Redneck Cellar




Redneck Garden
 

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32 !  It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. 
Redneck Limo


Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
              1) The DNA is all the same 
             2) There are no dental records
Redneck Mailbox


Who invented the toothbrush? A Redneck!! (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush) 

Redneck Weenie Roast 

A new Redneck law was just recently passedWhen a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
Redneck Wheelchair

Did you hear that the Redneck Governor's Mansion burned down?'Yep.. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . Up in flames and the Governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'
A Redneck Thanksgiving
(if Norman Rockwell were a Redneck)

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 And says to the driver, 'Got any I.D. ? ' . .And the driver replies 'Bout wut?'

A Redneck Christmas Sleigh...

That's all folks!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Just one more

Although Christmas is not only over, it is going to be here again at the end of this year already. I just have to share with you something I got during the holidays when my computer was down. Sooo unless you just can't handle another Christmas joke/story, I really think you will enjoy this one!

THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT
My husband and I had been happily
married (most of the time)
for five years
but hadn't been blessed with a baby.


I decided to do some serious
praying and promised God
that if he would give us a child,
I would be a perfect mother,
love it with  all my heart
and raise it with His word
as my guide.

God answered my prayers
and blessed us with a son.

The next year God blessed us
with another son.

The following year,
He blessed us with
yet another son.

The year after that we
were blessed with a daughter.

My husband thought we'd
been blessed right into poverty.
We now had four children,
and the oldest was only
four years old.

I learned never to ask God
for anything unless I meant it
As a minister once told me,
"If you pray for rain,
make sure you carry an umbrella."

I began reading a few verses
of the Bible to the children
each day as they lay in their cribs..

I was off to a good start.
God had entrusted me
with four children and
I didn't want to disappoint Him.

I tried to be patient the day
the children smashed
two dozen eggs on
the kitchen floor searching
for baby chicks.

I tried to be understanding...
when they started a hotel for
homeless frogs in the spare bedroom,
although it took me nearly two hours
to catch all twenty-three frogs.

When my daughter poured
ketchup all over herself and
rolled up in a blanket to see
how it felt to be a hot dog,
I tried to see the humor
rather than the mess..

In spite of changing over
twenty-five thousand diapers,
never eating a hot meal
and never sleeping for more
than thirty minutes at a time,
I still thank God daily for my children.

While I couldn't keep my promise
to be a perfect mother -
I didn't even come close...
I did keep my promise
to raise them in the Word of God.

I knew I was missing the mark
just a little when I told
my daughter we were going
to church to worship God,
and she wanted to bring
a bar of soap along to
"wash up" Jesus, too.

Something was lost
in the translation when
I explained that
God gave us everlasting life,
and my son thought it was
generous of God to give
us his "last wife."

My proudest moment came
during the children's
Christmas pageant.

My daughter was playing Mary,
two of my sons were shepherds
and my youngest son was a wise man.
This was their moment to shine.

My five-year-old shepherd
had practiced his line,
"We found the babe wrapped
in swaddling clothes."

But he was nervous and said,
"The baby was wrapped
in wrinkled clothes."

My four-year-old "Mary" said,
"That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly.
That's dirty, rotten clothes."

A wrestling match broke out
between Mary and the shepherd
and was stopped by an angel,
who bent her halo and lost
her left wing

I slouched a little lower
in my seat when Mary
dropped the doll representing
Baby Jesus, and it bounced
down the aisle crying,
"Mama-mama."

Mary grabbed the doll,
wrapped it back up
and held it tightly as
the wise men arrived.

My other son stepped forward
wearing a bathrobe
and a paper crown,
knelt at the manger
and announced,
"We are the three wise men,
and we are bringing gifts
of gold,
common sense
  and fur."

The congregation
dissolved into laughter,
and the pageant
got a standing ovation.

"I've never enjoyed a Christmas
program as much as this one,"
laughed the pastor,
wiping tears from his eyes

"For the rest of my life,
I'll never hear the
Christmas story without
thinking of
gold,
common sense
and fur."

"My children are my pride
and my joy and my greatest
blessing," I said as I dug
through my purse for an aspirin.

Jesus had no servants,
yet they called Him Master.

Had no degree,
yet they called Him Teacher .

Had no medicines,
yet they called Him Healer.

Had no army,
yet kings feared Him.

He won no military battles,
yet He conquered the world.
He committed no crime,
yet they crucified Him.

He was buried in a tomb,
yet He lives today.

Feel honored
to serve such a Leader
who loves us.



Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

And So The Christmas Season Begins

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. 


The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.' 




And So The Christmas Season
Begins...... 

Thanks to Shane for sharing this!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The night before Christmas – computer version

The night before Christmas – computer version! 
Sent to me in an email.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. (Nerds? Yeah: you bet!)

The e-mails were stacked in the in box with care,
And lots of spam too, so please be aware.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Another great e-mail from a male friend. Allison
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
 Your last name stays put.
 The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
 You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
 Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.  
Same work, more pay.
 Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. 
 Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 
 If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
 Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.  Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it   and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

 
It is not how old you are, but how you are old.. -Jules Renard, writer (1864-1910)

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Ready for some Christmas humor?

"Damn contemporary, bullshit architecture"
 
  
  
  
  
 
 
  
Dear Santa, 
If you leave a new bike under the tree, I will give you the antidote to the poison I put in your milk!
Timmy


 It's not worth it, Roy! Let's just give him our noses and let him go!




 
 
Would you look at that? They're making a baby right in the front yard!
It's disgraceful!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Weeweechu


It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Beer Tree

Why Not?

BC slots

Thanks guys! Do I hear 55?