One for the money

I

just had to post this. I thought it was hysterical. What do you think?

The sharing of marriage

The old man placed an order for  one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his  wife. 

 He then carefully counted out  the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

 He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. 

 As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking  over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking,  'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of  them.'

 As the man began to eat his  fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

 The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

 People closer to the table  noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.  She sat there watching  her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the  drink.

 Again, the young man came over  and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old  woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing  everything.'

 Finally, as the old man  finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man  again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of  food and asked 

'What is it you are waiting for?'

 She  answered. . . 

 "THE  TEETH" .  

Kind of just makes ya feel like this picture below inside!!!

Two wrongs don't make a right

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him...

Two wrongs don't make a right

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him...

Condoms?

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. 

The Train

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both "married to other people," found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

Rules

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."

Marvin the male Maxine

 

Out of the mouths of babes

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE . NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND   ARK  AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE  RED   SEA  WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO   MOUNT CYANIDE  TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED   CANADA  THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE   BATTLE  OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18.   ST. JOHN  THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE   TOMBSTONE  OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. St.  PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

The Three Stages of a Man's Life

The Three Stages of a Man's Life

 
 

Single

 

Married

 Divorced

ANY  QUESTIONS?

 

NICKNAMES

NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch,
they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and DoDo for
Brains.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John
will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of
them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want
change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the
pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she
doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom:
toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a
towel.
· The average number of items in the typical
woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more
than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the
beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she
gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he
gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a
man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will
change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she
won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water
the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the
mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and
funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to
bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her
children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best
friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people
living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing!




Keep on Dancing

 

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS ,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
          ***************************
(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?)

Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?

LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John  had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

 

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:....

"I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

Hotel Bills too high? Consider this

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider
This…
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne.
After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue
And they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
Room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the
Road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for
$450.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the
Clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.
When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists o n
Speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
Has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available
For the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on
To explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is
Famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas
Perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! , the man replies, 'But we
Didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.
'But sir,' he says, this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with my
Wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.

The Dot, Revealed

The Mystery of the Dot

Funny, short and oh so true!

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS EXPLAINED THE MYSTERY!!!

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us
have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the
Indian Embassy in Washington , DC has recently revealed the true story. When
a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her
wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a
convenience store, a gas station, a liquor store or a motel in the United
States .

If there is nothing under the dot, he must take a job in India answering
telephones and giving unintelligible technical advice to frustrated
Americans.

All My Business

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband
and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.  In his
highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than
30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford
new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was
going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let
go.  It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,
and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than
thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1
million.  Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they
were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged'
him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results
of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million,
her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he
found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were
doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths
shut!