Alcohol does not discriminate

 

 

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico City.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

"What is that you just served?" he asked the waiter.

"Ah senor, you have excellent taste!" the waiter replied. "Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

"What the heck, bring me an order."

Four Moms in therapy

Four Moms in therapy

     A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

     "You all have obsessions," he observed.

     To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

     He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

     He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

     At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

Can you believe these ads?

Can you believe these ads?

Ads we will never see again- I wonder which of today's ads will seem
so outrageous 50 yrs down the road?
These are unbelievable!

9 gentlemen a day

I am seeing 9 gentlemen every day.  As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.

Then I go to see John

Then Charlie Horse comes along & when he is here, he takes a lot of my time & attention. 

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day.  He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired & glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!  Oh, Yes, I'm flirting with Al Zymer.

And thinking of calling BUD WEISER , JACK DANIELS or JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company.

Now remember:

Life is like a roll of toilet paper.  The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes...so have fun think 'good thoughts' only, learn to laugh at yourself, and count your blessings!!

Don't you just love senior citizens

 

A very self-important college student attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

    'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

    'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing . And ... Pausing to take another drink of beer....

    The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young,.. So we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?'

    The applause was deafening. 

Don't you just love senior citizens...

Only a Texas man

Only a Texas man can make her feel like a woman.

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped.... Then, he spoke...
 
"Iron this -- and then get me a beer."
 

Don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!

* A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.


He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He
approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'


'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What
are the three tests?'


'You must pay first......
Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while,
the man gives the bartender the $10
and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do: First - You
have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you
can't make a face while doing it.


Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You
have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
who has never had sex.... You have to take care of that problem!'


The man is stunned.. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and
then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender.....

'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did
it in fifty-eight seconds!


Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained
to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and
screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and
he's bleeding all over his body.


He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'


The moral to the story:

Listen carefully to the directions,
and don't trust your judgment
when alcohol is involved!

Something to make you smile

Something to make you smile

 

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

 New Message Pads

  

 

Hand Job

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old
biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
farmers.

The Theory of Intelligence

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this . 

 

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . .
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group
keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
 
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

Humorous signs

 

  

 

Female Hormones in Beer

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.  To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:



1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.




No further testing was considered necessary.

How Tequila really works

WILL I LIVE TO BE 80

Some times you just have to ask yourself 'Will I live to be 80?'

I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly
well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do
you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink
alcoholic beverages?'
'No,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.' Then he asked, 'Do you eat
rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!' 'Do
you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing
or relaxing on the beach?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you
gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said. 'I don't
do any of those things.'

Then he looked at me and asked, 'Then why do you give a shit?'

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.  To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:


1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.


No further testing was considered necessary.