IRS Visit

A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

Bumper stickers

1.For get world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. 

2.I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 

3.WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

4.Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

5.IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

6.Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Audit Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS  office.

  The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

  The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no

  full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money

  gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

  I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a

  demonstration?'

  The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

  Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'  Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

  The auditor's jaw drops.  Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my

  other eye.'

  Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the

  bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

  The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with

  Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

  'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand

  dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket

  on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

  The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and

  decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he

  agrees again.

  Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains

  mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,

  so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

  The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss

  into a break even.

  But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

  'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

  'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd

  been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he

  could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.