The sharing of marriage

The old man placed an order for  one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his  wife. 

 He then carefully counted out  the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

 He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. 

 As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking  over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking,  'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of  them.'

 As the man began to eat his  fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

 The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

 People closer to the table  noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.  She sat there watching  her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the  drink.

 Again, the young man came over  and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old  woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing  everything.'

 Finally, as the old man  finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man  again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of  food and asked 

'What is it you are waiting for?'

 She  answered. . . 

 "THE  TEETH" .  

Kind of just makes ya feel like this picture below inside!!!

Where I have and have not been

WHERE I HAVE & HAVE NOT BEEN.

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.  Apparently, you can't go alone.  You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.  They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.  I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.  That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!  It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!  At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

A bite of humble pie

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."  
    I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 59, not even 60 yet a mere child! Senior citizen?  

Senior Health Care

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Recycled songs

"Originally I had named this blog "This too shall pass (thru)" and my first post was on December 12th 2007. I learned after a year that name was not working for this blog in many ways. 

I changed it to "A Daily Laugh" and posted the first post on December 18th 2008. 

477 posts on this blog and who knows how many on "This too shall pass (thru)" later, I have come across many many jokes. But today's post is perhaps my all time favorite.

It may be my age.

It may be that I grew up on all these songs, 

or perhaps it is the fact that I can relate!

I sure hope you enjoy this one as much as I do!"

Enjoy

 

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers ...

They include:

Bobby Darin ---Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Fishing

A guy is 75 years young and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'
...
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time,

reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

Summary of Life

 
Summary of Life

 GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

 GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

 THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
 3) You are Santa Claus..
 4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

 At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
 At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
 At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
 At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
 At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
 At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
 At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
 At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.
 

Growing Old

Growing Old

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am"?

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; your eyes, 16 and your figure, 25."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying, "Whoa, hold on there sweetie! I haven't added them up yet!"

Wisdom From Senior Citizens

Wisdom From Senior Citizens


1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.

2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?

3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling
apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.

10. I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were
out of stock.

11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway
though.

12. It was so different before everything changed.

13. Some day's you're the dog, and some day's you're the
hydrant.

14. Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.

15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and
stay resident.

Church Fart

An elderly couple are attending church
services.  About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to
her husband.

It says, " I just let out a silent fart. What do you
think I should do?"

He scribbles
back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid.."

Ya got to love older folk

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

The Vet

The Vet

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small churchfound a pink envelope
containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was
collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive
pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until
the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.


"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a
week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me
money and I give some of it to the church."


The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot,
are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send
you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful;
what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they
made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does
he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two
cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

Ramblings  of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aidand now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and  decided that old age is 'when you still have  something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded  furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for  company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an  emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was  thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a  whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me,  I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
                                                                             
Enjoy Your D ays & Love Your Life, Because Life is a journey to be  savored.

Senior Citizen? I don't think so!

 $5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."  

    I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 59, not even 60 yet a mere child! Senior citizen?  

    I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?  

    I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.  

    Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?  

    "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"  

    I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.  

    Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.  

    Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.  

    I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.  

    Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.  

    She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."  

    All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.  

    As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.  

Mid life crisis

 

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women.  Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be....Puhle eeeeeeze!  I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you.  Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60, 70 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.

 

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down..  

This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans.

 We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

 

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

 

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, 'Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too'

 

 Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, cellphone-wearing teenager and think: 'For this I have stretch marks?

  

In mid-life your memory starts to go.  In fact the only thing we can retain is water.


Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin

Mid-life means that you become more reflective . . . You start pondering the 'big' questions.

What is life?

Why am I here?

How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.  We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile.  Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when?  Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

 

GROWING OLD

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:

Well, crap...

Now I forgot what it was..

Growing old

 A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:

 

 Shit ...

 I forgot what it was....

Slim

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Retirement

Question:  How many days in a week?
Answer:  6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question:  When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer:  Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question:  How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer:  Only one, but it might take all day.

Question:  What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:  There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question:  Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer:  The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question:  Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer:  Tied shoes.

Question:  Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:  They are the only ones who have the time.  
 
Question:  What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer:  NUTS!

Question:  Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer:  They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question:  What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:  Normal.

Question:  What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer:  The never ending Coffee Break.

Question:  What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:  If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question:  Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer:  He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite....

QUESTION:  What do you do all week?
Answer:  Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

SERENITY

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.


Always Remember This: 
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing