Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who had installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago
and I still hadn't paid for them.

WHAT IS A 710

               A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one...'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is?
Scroll down 

One for the blondes

Mick & Paddy were having a drink outside the pub.

Mick

“Hey Paddy, how high do you thunk dat flag pole on the memorial is?”

Paddy

“Dunno Muck but I would guess at dirty feet.”

Mick

“No Paddy, I would say, twenty five feet”

 Paddy

“Nuts”

Mick

“Lets ask dis pretty blonde cumin along der road, she looks like a smart one”.

Paddy

“hello young lady”

Blonde

“Hello”

Mick

“how high would you say dat flag pole is?”.

The blonde immediately opens her bag, pulls out a spanner, drops the flag to the ground.

Mick & Paddy are amazed

She then pulls out a tape measure, runs the length & says in a loud voice 28 foot 9 inches.

Mick says,

“Typical blonde, got it wrong, I asked her for the height & she gave me the length”

A special thanks to Grumpy of Lumberjocks!

The Milkman

A  blonde heard that baths in milk would make her  beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to  leave 25 gallons of milk.  
When  the milkman read the note, he felt there must be  a mistake.  He thought she probably meant  2.5 gallons. 
So he knocked on the door to  clarify the point. The blonde came to the door  and the milkman said, "I found your note asking  me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5  gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25  gallons.  I'm going to fill my bathtub up  with milk and take a milk bath so I can look  young and beautiful again."
The milkman  asked, "Do you want it  pasteurized?"
The  blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can  splash it on my eyes."

The Ventriloquist

A young  ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.  
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.  What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?  

What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, because you and your kind continue to  perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, 
but women in general and all in the name of  humour!

"

The embarrassed ventriloquist  begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 

"You stay out of this, mister!  I'm talking to that little fucker on your  knee."

A blonde in church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. 

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.  I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. 

Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask  forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.' 

No one moved. 

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.

Now stand and confess your   transgression.'

 Again, all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. 

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding..........

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. 

I simply told a  couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.

'The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared!!!

Blondes and the moon

Two blonde's living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one  blond says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... 
Florida or the moon?'



The other blond turns and says
' Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of

golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his

bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's

golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him

thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any

longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Blonde Stewardess

Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.  He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded
to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans Please raise your hand?"   Not one hand went up . . . so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

100 Pounds of Dynamite

100 Pounds of Dynamite
-------------------------

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
"What a great chest you have!"

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!"
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment
screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite
after I saw how short the fuse was!"

The Blonde and the Handgun

The Blonde and the Handgun

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up ... you're next!"

Blondes in Parking Lot

Blondes in Parking Lot

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

Short Fuse

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her  home with him. He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a  great chest you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb.  of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What  massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb.  of dynamite, baby."He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes  running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his  clothes back on and chases after her.  He catches up to her and asks why  she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was  afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse  was."

Speeding Ticket

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

Knitting

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at
the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper
cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

Going to the sun

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We
were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You
can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

Broken all over

I am broken all over
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body
hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she
pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;

likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her
scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

A blonde Trivial Pursuit

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the
dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a
vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

A blonde on the river

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

Shit in your carburetor

 A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'  She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'