3 Ducks went into a bar

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

Little Johnny's at it again

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
   
  Molly put up her hand and said, ' My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.'
   
  The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
   
  Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

  Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

  She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

  Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.' 

  The teacher sat down and cried.

Going to the Post Office?

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.  I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... you don't even know the way to the Post Office."

Viagra for granny?

 Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

 When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

 "$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.  "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

 Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He phoned Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

  "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

They live among us

How would you pronounce this child's name?

She spells her name.....      "Le-a"

                        So... how would YOU pronounce her name?

Leah?  ..................NO.
Lee - A?  ........... NOPE.
Lay - a?  ............ NOT A CHANCE.
Lei?,,,,,,,,,, NICE TRY ...BUT... GUESS AGAIN!

This child attends a school in  Livingston  Parish, LA..   Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.   She says it's pronounced.................   "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked how in the world did she figured it should be pronounced that way.......      she said....

                       ..."cause the dash don't be silent!"

So, if you see a name come across your desk like this... please remember to pronounce the dash.

And... if anyone axe you why, tell them it's 'cause the dash don't be silent!

Someone... pleeeeze, pleeeze tell me dis don't be true! Surely, someone be's jokin' with us?!?!\

 

They live among us, they vote, they dominate the welfare rolls, they contribute nothing .  And they breed.

Peter Peppers

I have never seen a Pecker Pepper before...These are actual peppers from a garden. They are called 'Peter Peppers'... 

By the way, the farmer says they can grow up to 18" long!

Sort of brings tears to your eyes, doesn’t it?

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

JUST TOO CUTE.

This is the cleanest E-mail joke
I've come across in a long while!




A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.’

Don't you just love senior citizens

 

A very self-important college student attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

    'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

    'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing . And ... Pausing to take another drink of beer....

    The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young,.. So we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?'

    The applause was deafening. 

Don't you just love senior citizens...

BAPTIST DINNER FOR EIGHT

BAPTIST DINNER FOR EIGHT ! !

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison." He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK. So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Old' Spot's (the yard dog) a double handful. Old' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Janet watched Old' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town

to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 21 & Mexican dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear.

She said, "Mrs. Williams, Old' Spot just died." Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.

I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, anda stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Old' Spot never even stopped!!!

Indian orders coffee

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:

'Want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.


 The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter

'Want coffee.'

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?'


The Indian smiles and proudly says .

'I Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for  others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

Growing old

 A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:

 

 Shit ...

 I forgot what it was....

We just knew it was coming.

We just knew it was coming.

Men strike back! How many men does it take to open a beer?   None. It should be open when she brings it.   ----------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?   Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ----------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men?   It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.   
----------------------------------------------------------- 
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?   
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....' 
----------------------------------------------------------- 
  
  
How do you fix a woman's watch?   
You don't. There is a clock on the oven. 
---------------------------------------------------------- 
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? 
The dog, of course.. He'll shut up once you let him in. 
-- ---------- ---------------------------------------------- 
  Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.   
It's called a Wedding Cake. 
  ---------------------------------------------------- 
Why do men die before their wives? 
They want to. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Women will never be equal to men 
until they can walk down the street with a bald head 
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.     
  ------------------------------------------------------ 
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and 
to the select few women who can handle it!   
AND MAXINE SAYS..............'MARVIN'...     

Not that cat named Lucky

Not that cat named Lucky

 

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

 And finally..
A CAT NAMED LUCKY...

If you are you expecting a heart-wrenching story

about a cat that got run over by a truck,

lost a leg and dragged himself 100 kilometres

after being bitten by a snake?

W R O N G! 
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Meet Lucky

Las Vegas churches Accept gambling Chips

I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!
 
Las Vegas churches
Accept gambling
Chips

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.


NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED. 

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS. 

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN. 


THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

YOU
DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU? 

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about
their asses; the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat............
 
10% of women think their ass is too skinny......
 
The remaining 60% say they don't care........
 
they love him, he's a good man and
they wouldn't trade him for the world.

Payback to the men and their bikini watching

 Payback to the men and their bikini watching

How many emails have we girls received of these tiny little bikinis??? Well Guys... It's your turn!!!


YOU MUST READ THE NAMES OF THE SWIM SUITS! hahaha..



Inspired by Sasha Baron Cohen this NEW line of swimwear will rock next summer!

The future of men's bathing suits... !!


Sarong for the dong.


peek-a-boo dickie doo.


Dingie dongie.


Spaghetti and meat balls


Wet Willie wonder.


Sling ding


Hot pocket.


 by crackie'

And then the fight started.... Again & Again

 My wife and I were sitting at a table at my
high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken
lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'         'Yes,' I sighed,
'She's my old girlfriend.   I understand she took to drinking right
after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'  'My Goodness!' says my wife,
'who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?'
      And then the fight started....
   
      ******************************************
   
      I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter,
for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium
rare, please." He said, "Aren't you
worried about         the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
      And then the fight started...
   
      ******************************************
   
 
   A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom
mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says
to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment....' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near
perfect.'
      And then the fight started......

And then the fight started..... Again

  I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there
we were alongside the road and slowly the other
driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get
soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me,
and shouted,
      "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said,   "Well, then which
one are you?" And then the fight started.....
   
      *****************************************
   
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that
goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a
scale. And then the fight started...
   
      ******************************************
   
When I got home last night, my wife demanded
that I take  her someplace, expensive...so, I took her to
a gas station.  And then the fight started...
   
      ******************************************
   
After retiring, I went to the Social   Security office to
apply for Social Security. The woman behind
the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very
sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I
opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She
said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me' and she processed my Social Security application

      When I got home, I excitedly told my wife
about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your
pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
      And then the fight started...
    

Lifesavers and teachers

 A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) using lifesavers

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled,  Spit 'em out everybody ! They're butt-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS ,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
          ***************************
(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?)