Just for today

I tried it, I liked it, you will too!

**Just For Today**

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass. If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, and then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some. Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program! SCROLL DOWN.... NOW SCROLL UP. That's enough for the first day. Great job.

God created the dog and said

God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.

For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 

VW porn art?

The California Highway Patrol in the Los Angeles area recently found some amusement filling out accident reports in a series of car accidents As it turned out, drivers were losing control and running into other vehicles upon seeing a giant women's pubis displayed on the front part of an oncoming car.

 
The CHP started frantically looking for the dangerous pubis and came upon the tracks of a young hairdresser named Nelly Node. Nelly's passion for the arts made the young woman photograph her own crotch and put the zoomed picture on her Volkswagen Beetle. Nelly decided to use such a shameless method to prepare her college course work in which she analyzed the art of design. The witty student's idea worked for the college professors.
 
She was proudly driving her 'pubic beetle' until the CHP arrested the woman. The court ruled that Nelly's car was creating a dangerous situation on the roads. The girl had to paint over her car's hood.
 
Here's a picture of her VW before she had to repaint it.

 

 
You don't suppose the other drivers were driving along saying "Twat was that??"
 
And was she charged with pubic indecency?
 
It's a good thing she was picked up by the fuzz...
 
I'll stop the cracks now. 

 

Obama Health Care Proposals

It is enough to make one think they are full of it up to here.  

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health ,care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.  The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.  Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.  Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.  The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter....."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.  The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

KidsAreQuick

KidsAreQuick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. 
MARIA:Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? 
CLASS: Maria. 
______________________________ ______

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. 
_______________________________________ ___

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' 
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L' 
TEACHER: No, that's wrong 
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
_____________________ _______________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
DONALD: H I J K L M N O. 
TEACHER: What are you talking about? 
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. 
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that wedidn't have ten years ago. 
WINNIE: Me! 
_____________________ _____________________ 

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. 
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' 
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.' 
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. 
_____________________ _________________ 

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. 
_____________________ _________ 

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? 
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. 
_____________________ ______________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Only great minds

Eonverye taht can raed tihs � pelase rsaie yuor hnad. 

 

Only great minds can read this
This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Growing old

 A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:

 

 Shit ...

 I forgot what it was....

We just knew it was coming.

We just knew it was coming.

Men strike back! How many men does it take to open a beer?   None. It should be open when she brings it.   ----------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?   Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ----------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men?   It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.   
----------------------------------------------------------- 
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?   
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....' 
----------------------------------------------------------- 
  
  
How do you fix a woman's watch?   
You don't. There is a clock on the oven. 
---------------------------------------------------------- 
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? 
The dog, of course.. He'll shut up once you let him in. 
-- ---------- ---------------------------------------------- 
  Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.   
It's called a Wedding Cake. 
  ---------------------------------------------------- 
Why do men die before their wives? 
They want to. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Women will never be equal to men 
until they can walk down the street with a bald head 
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.     
  ------------------------------------------------------ 
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and 
to the select few women who can handle it!   
AND MAXINE SAYS..............'MARVIN'...     

The Buttocks

The Buttocks
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, ‘Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?’

‘My darling,’ she replied, ‘I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.’

The Wongs

  The Wongs 

This is perhaps what I consider to be the funniest  I have received in a long time!
I am always looking for new material if you wish to share!
Thanks!!!

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian,
WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong,
what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make
a white, so I think we will name him...


Are you ready for this?





Sum- Ting Wong

You know you laughed (well you know you at chuckled)

Hand Job

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old
biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
farmers.

God created the dog

God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.

For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Kill Two Birds

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestoneagain I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more.Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Birddied from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a womannamed Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!Why ??? OH, come on... Take a guess !!! Think about it !!! You're going to love this !!!Everyone knows...







You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone!

Female Hormones in Beer

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.  To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:



1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.




No further testing was considered necessary.

Naughty boy

Heavy gymnast

Not what you would perceive to be a gymnast Huh?

DON'T HIRE POOKIE

I know that everyone  needs a job, but there are some places where
yo' cuzins'  should not be allowed to work.

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care Unit where patients  always
died in the same bed on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m.  regardless of their
medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some  even thought that had
something to do with the  supernatural.


No one could  solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11a.m.
on  Sundays. So a world wide team of experts were assembled to investigate  the
cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday  morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m. all the doctors and
nurses  nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible
phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer  books,
and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just  when the clock struck 11.....Pookie Johnson, the part time Sunday
sweeper entered the ward and unplugged the life support system, so that  he
could plug in the vacuum cleaner...

AND THAT'S ALL I'M GONNA  SAY....

How Tequila really works

Hot for you

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together'

'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
 
'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

Grass is taller on the rich side

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.     "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning
To the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high"!!!!!