God created dog

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

Holy E Mail

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on.  So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.' So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time. 

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased.   So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

God is busy

GOD Is Busy
If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!
A United States Marine was attending some college
courses between assignments. He had completed missions
in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor
who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, GOD if you are real
then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly
15 min.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am
GOD, I'm still waiting.'
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got
out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him;
knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there
looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to,
noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What
in the world is the matter with you? 'Why did you do that?'
The Marine calmly replied, 'GOD was too busy today protecting
America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid
stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me.'
The classroom erupted in cheers!

Who was our father

3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

 

1.  He called everyone brother.

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He didn't get a fair trial.

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was  Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was  Italian:

 

1. He talked with His hands.

2. He had wine with His meals.

3. He used olive oil.

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

  

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

  

1. He was at peace with nature.

2. He ate a lot of fish.

3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

  

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was  Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

  

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a Woman:

 

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

Can I get an AMEN??

God created the dog and said

God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.

For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 

Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
Then I realised God doesn’t work that way, so I stole
one and prayed for forgiveness.
   
       

- Emo Philips