Too much time on their hands

A Birthday Wish

Our little girl is growing up !!

BIRTHDAY REMINDER
This week we celebrate a special birthday. 


Monica Lewinsky turns 50. 
Can you believe it? 

 It seems like only yesterday,
She was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees,
Putting everything in her mouth...They grow up so fast, don't they?

Dinner For Eight

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. 
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but,  mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.' 

He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.'

BIBLE THROUGH THE EYES OF CHILDREN

 A  Nun Grading Papers
 
  Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR   CORRECTED.  INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

GOLF STORY

A husband takes his wife to play her first round of golf.

The wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.  

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." 


So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

The Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,  her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad.....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad--as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a 10-bedroom mansion, plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited-edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.

Come here and give yer old dad a hug.

What is a Yankee?

 What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?


                                Juan on Juan


                             What is a Yankee?


             The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


           What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?


                        The position of the dirt bag


                        Why is divorce so expensive?


                           Because it's worth it.


          What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?


                                 Doughnuts


                         Why is air a lot like sex?


          Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


                      What do you call a smart blonde?


                            A golden retriever.


                  What do attorneys use for birth control?


                            Their personalities.


            What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?


                            10 years and 45 lbs


           What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?


                                 45 minutes


                  What's the fastest way to a man's heart?


                   Through his chest with a sharp knife.


                     Why do men want to marry virgins?


                         They can't stand criticism


  Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
                               good-looking?


                 Because those men already have boyfriends.


         What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?


             After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


       What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?


     The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
                                  driving.


              Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?


                      Because they have cotton balls.


             What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?


                 A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


        What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?


                         'Are you sure it's mine?'


                    Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?


                         Mace will do that to you.


             Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?


                         Everyone has the same DNA.


             Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?


                          Breasts don't have eyes.


  Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
                      Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?


         Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


                 Where does an Irish family go on vacation?


                              A different bar.


        Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?


                      They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'.


What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?


                              They're hiring.


      What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?


  A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
                         along with... 'a recipe'.


     How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?


         Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


     What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
                                 fairytale?


   A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time .' -A southern fairytale
                                   begins


                  'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....


                    Why is there no Disneyland in China?


                No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Celebrity Swine Flu Fatality

Celebrity Swine Flu Fatality

And we all know who gave it to him!

Greener Grass

Greener Grass... Its important in life to reach out, to strive for greater achievements, to go for that greener grass that is on the other side of the fence ........ But one must also be careful

Sometimes you can reach too far !

But when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember.......
Not everyone who shows up, is there to help you!!!!

To get a woman to bed!

What is the difference between taking girls/women to bed at the following ages: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?

 

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

 

At 18 -- You tell her a story so you can take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to 

 

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

 

 

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed. 

 

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

 

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that WILL be a story!

 

And at 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

 

 

 

Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of
Tennessee and he sees a sign  in front of a
broken down shanty-style house: Talking Dog
For Sale.  He  rings the bell and the owner
appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing
a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'


The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that
I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to
help the government, so I told the CIA.  In no time
at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'



'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running. But, the jetting around really tired me
out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I
decided to settle down.  I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security, wandering
near suspicious characters and listening in. 

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was
awarded a batch of medals.'  'I got married, had
a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and
asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing!
'Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap!!!

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

 

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.
IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.