Fun with words

 The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.    

Here are the winners:

 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 

 2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

 3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

 4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a  hillbilly.

 5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 

 6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed

in the hospital,

 

wearing an oxygen mask over his

 

mouth and nose,

 

still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give him a

partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my

test1cles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies

'I don't know,Sir.

I'm only here to wash

your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again,

'Nurse, are my

test1cles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,

she overcomes her

embarrassment and sheepishly

pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his

penis in one hand and his

test1cles in the other,

lifting and moving them

around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong

with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,

smiles at her and

says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was

wonderful, but listen

very, very closely...... .

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k

?

Test for Idiocy

Test for   Idiocy
B elow are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!!



First Question:

Y ou are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

 

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Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutel! y wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first one, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

 

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?

 

Third Question:
V ery tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it.. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?



~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
...Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the ! name of the fifth daughter?




~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:
I may have sent this one before.. I! 'm never sure.

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~



 
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!




 
  PASS TH IS  ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE 

Kill Two Birds

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestoneagain I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more.Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Birddied from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a womannamed Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!Why ??? OH, come on... Take a guess !!! Think about it !!! You're going to love this !!!Everyone knows...







You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone!

Square Testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of  Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted
on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a
lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right)
an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to
save so much money.
The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your
testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that
it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye.
She just looked at the president and said, '
Would you like to take my bet?'