Condoms?

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. 

Meet the Boyfriend

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They're appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girls mom says " Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy. "

" Oh, please, Mom ! " says the daughter. " If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 Hrs. of Community Service ? "

Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who had installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago
and I still hadn't paid for them.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: it's triplets.
Ugly: You had
a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved
with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Unusual Photos

 Eric W. sent this to me today. I can never get too much of photos like these. What do you think!

 Next time you have extra time try stacking your coins

Cool Mailboxes

LIVING IN 2011

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN...

  On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm..  The

turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck

by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
 

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to die,'

she wails. Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last

minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make

me feel like a WOMAN?'

Smart Johnny

Smart Johnny

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.


On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The Sensitive Man

Who Says Men Are not Sensitive

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up
leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet
cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way
along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge
enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

Tour Bus Driver

Here's one that's a bit on the gross side, LOL!

Allison
Tour Bus Driver


A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

Definitely

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

How the fight started

That's How the Fight Started

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed,
made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the
garage.

I hooked up the boat up to
the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour.

Sisters of St. Francis

I found this to be quite funny! Do you agree?

Allison

Sisters of St. Francis

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he
notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.  It reads:
  SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
  HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
  10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on
without second thought.  Soon he sees another sign, which
says:
  SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
  HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
  5 MILES

The Bathtub Song

This is just too cute and funny and add to that adorable!!!
Please click this link, then come back and let me know what you think!
http://www.terrisfp1.com/flash6/bath.swf  

The Preachers Paycheck

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.


After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

The Milkman

A  blonde heard that baths in milk would make her  beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to  leave 25 gallons of milk.  
When  the milkman read the note, he felt there must be  a mistake.  He thought she probably meant  2.5 gallons. 
So he knocked on the door to  clarify the point. The blonde came to the door  and the milkman said, "I found your note asking  me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5  gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25  gallons.  I'm going to fill my bathtub up  with milk and take a milk bath so I can look  young and beautiful again."
The milkman  asked, "Do you want it  pasteurized?"
The  blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can  splash it on my eyes."

Court Docket

Actual Australian Court Docket 12659


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The Ventriloquist

A young  ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.  
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.  What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?  

What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, because you and your kind continue to  perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, 
but women in general and all in the name of  humour!

"

The embarrassed ventriloquist  begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 

"You stay out of this, mister!  I'm talking to that little fucker on your  knee."

Bumper stickers

1.For get world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. 

2.I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 

3.WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

4.Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

5.IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

6.Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Eternal Marriage

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"