Alchol Abuse

An obviously very inebriated man is stopped by the police around
2 AM and is asked where he is going at that time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really, who is giving that lecture at this time of
night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

A drunken Irishman

A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin on
St. Patty's Day and his car is weaving violently all over
the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a
few."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding
his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out
of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."

Need a push?

GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,

standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"


He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.


"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you re member about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.


"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

A drunk walks out of a bar

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, 'Can I help you Sir?'

'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.

The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'

'It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wi ener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....

'Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

Exposing yourself

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling

back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help

you sir?" 

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies. 

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. 

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging

out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without 

missing a beat, blurts out..........

"Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"