20 years of e-mails

I wanted to personally thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past 20 years.
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a
paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without
worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because
I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the
adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because
I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..

I have trouble shaking hands with
someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving
alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for
fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about
rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge
with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the
same reason.

I no longer have any savings because
I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the
1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me
for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my
every wish.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys removed.

I can’t eat at KFCbecause their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink
Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without
taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in
my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since
the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under
God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in
the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in
the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me
for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected
with AIDS when I sit down

I no longer go to shopping malls because
someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents
in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big
black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when
it bites my ass.

I no longer drive my car because
buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all
the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m
afraid I’ll get bitten by the wood spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 10
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s
second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their
hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush
in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6
ft. out of the toilet.

I trust you are now caught up.

Hotel Bills too high? Consider this

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider
This…
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne.
After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue
And they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
Room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the
Road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for
$450.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the
Clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.
When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists o n
Speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
Has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available
For the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on
To explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is
Famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas
Perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! , the man replies, 'But we
Didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.
'But sir,' he says, this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with my
Wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.