A Drunk

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife,
and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'

Bob was stunned.

  'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for.  Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can  go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the  rooster.
'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard....
"BOB, wake up! You shit the bed!"
Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven

 The day finally arrived.. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at The Pearly Gates , met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering An entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

 

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter continued, "Yes, I Know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: what two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?"

 

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers" Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes opened wide and He exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.

 

How about the next one?" asked St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year ? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds In a year?" Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's Got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... " "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.

 

Let us go on with the third and final question.. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy." "Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated And frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.." St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."  

 

Give me a sense of humor, Lord. Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,

To get some humor out of life, And to pass it on to other folks.