My beer

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

 I said to him, "Do you know any martial arts, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"  


He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"? 

 
"No", I say,

 "It's because you're drinking my beer you little prick"!!!

Crossing the border

This is an e-mail I decided to post. It is not funny in anyway however I felt the need to share.

Allison

LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT.



 IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY

YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

 IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY

YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

 IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY,

YOU GET SHOT.

 IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY

YOU WILL BE JAILED.

 IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY

YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

 IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY

YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

 IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY

YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

 IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY

YOU GET

 A JOB,
 A DRIVERS LICENSE,
 SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
 WELFARE,
 FOOD STAMPS,
 CREDIT CARDS,
 SUBSIDIZED RENT

OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
 FREE EDUCATION,
 FREE HEALTH CARE,
 A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON
 BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
 THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY’S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON’T GET ENOUGH RESPECT AND,

IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.



 I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION…

Stimulus Check

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This
is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A
format:

"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
"A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

"Q. Where will the government get this money?
"A. From taxpayers.

"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A. Only a smidgen.

"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
"A. Shut up."


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.

If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer it will go to India.

If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico,
Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).

If you buy a car it will go to Japan.

If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.

And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money
in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or
spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since
those are the only businesses still in the US .